Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.