With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
WTF
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
BRO LMFAO
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”