[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
This is a bad sign
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.