hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*