Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words