Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You Might Also Like
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
notice
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict