I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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Every damn time
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.