i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.