I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Van Gone
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.