Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?