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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
hmm conte-me mais
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.