Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.