my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!