I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*