“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
S/o to @funTweeters .
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines