The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.