Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *