Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps