Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
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i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not