What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
That’s easy for you to say
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
it must be school picture day
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”