i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.