My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.