The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
grotesque if literal: baby food
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.