Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
You Might Also Like
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.