If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool