Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
#catsoftwitter
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.