Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
DOOO EEEET
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes