The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
wow
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet