[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Lube but for my dry humor.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
This raises questions
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”