Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.