Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.