[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.