*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE