Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.