I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?