I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Hit me in the face with a bird
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you