Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty