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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”