[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The news
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.