Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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I don’t think my car can fly
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?