[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.