A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.