Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
just make the entire table out of coaster
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I occasionally drink every single night.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.