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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
this came to me in a vision
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target