Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.