[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
work smarter, not harder
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare