Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You Might Also Like
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very