[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
#SuperBowl
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball