My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I don’t make the rules sorry
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.