me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.